TO LIVE, Chapter II (1)

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TO LIVE Chapter II (1)
A few years before, Jiazhen had been a student. At the time there was a night school in town. Jiazhen, carrying a kerosene lamp and wearing a moon white cheongsam, was going to class with a few of her girlfriends. I saw her while I was turning a corner; she walked over with a swing in her step.
The sound of her high-heeled shoes tapping the stone pavement was like the sound of falling rain. Jiazhen was really beautiful back then, and my eyes froze on her. Her hair was neatly combed behind her ears, and when she walked her cheongsam would crease at the waist. I thought to myself, I want her to be my wife.
After Jiazhen and her friends passed by giggling, I asked a cobbler sitting on the ground nearby, "Whose daughter is that?"
"That's the rice dealer Chen Ji's daughter," the cobbler said.
As soon as I got home I told my mom, "Quick, find a match-maker. I want to marry the daughter of the rice shop owner, Mr. Chen."
The night after Jiazhen was carried off, my luck started to go sour. I lost a whole bunch of games in a row. Before my eyes, the pile of money I had accumulated disappeared like the water you wash your feet in. Long Er couldn't stop giggling—his face was almost disfigured from his excessive laughing. My losing streak lasted until sunrise. I gambled until my head was dizzy, my vision blurry and I burped up smelly gas from my stomach. Finally I bet the biggest stakes I had ever risked in my life. I wet my hands with my saliva thinking that the fruits of a thousand springs were resting on this throw. Just as I was about to throw the dice, Long Er stretched out his hand to stop me. "Slow down."
Long Er waved to one of the waiters, saying, "Give Master Xu a hot towel."
It was then that the people watching went back to sleep. Aside from Long Er's two right-hand men, the only people paying attention were the people at the gambling table. Later I learned that Long Er had bought off that waiter. The waiter handed me a hot towel, and, as I wiped my face, Long Er secretly switched the dice to a pair he had tampered with. I didn't notice a thing. After wiping my face I threw the towel down on the tray. Then I picked up the dice and shook them with all my might. After throwing them I thought, not bad, a pretty big number.
When it was Long Er's turn, he let everything ride on number seven. He cupped his hands, then tightly clasped them together, yelling, "Seven."
One of the dice had a hole dug out of it and was filled with mercury. When Long Er's hands met and the dice came together, the mercury in the fixed die fell to the bottom. He tossed the die and, after rolling over a few times, it stopped on seven.
As soon as I saw that it was a seven, my head began to pound. This time I lost bad. But when I thought again I figured, it's okay, I can play on credit, and then I'll have a chance at winning everything back like I always did. Feeling a bit relieved I said to Long Er, "Put it down in the book."
Long Er waved for me to sit down and said, "I can't let you play on credit anymore. You've already lost your family's 100 mu of land. If I extend your credit, what will you use to pay me back?"
When I heard Long Er's words I violently cut off my yawn before it was finished.
"That's impossible," I stuttered. "It can't be."
Long Er and two other creditors took out the account book and systematically went through it with me. Then Long Er patted me on the head, saying, "Young master, take a good look. The signatures are all written in your hand."
I suddenly realized that six months ago I had begun to owe them, and in the past six months I had gambled away all the property my ancestors had left. After going through half the books I said to Long Er, "Don't bother counting."
I stood back up and, like a diseased chicken, walked out of the House of Qing. By then it was already light out. I stood in the middle of the street, not knowing where to go. Someone I knew carrying a basket of bean curd brightly called out to me, "Good morning, Mr. Xu!"
His voice nearly scared the hell out of me, and I blankly stared back at him. His eyes squinted as he smiled, and he said, "Look at you! You look like shit!"
He thought I'd worn myself out with those women. He didn't realize that I was bankrupt, as poor as a hired worker. I forced a smile as I watched him saunter away. I figured it was a bad idea to stand there, so I started to walk.
I made my way over to my father-in-law's rice shop, where two workers were replacing a door panel. When they saw me they started to laugh—they thought I was going to yell out "good morning" to my father-in-law again. But where would I have had the courage or strength for that? I drew my head back and, staying close to another house, quickly passed by. I heard my father-in-law inside coughing followed by the "puh" sound of him spitting on the floor.
And so just like that, muddleheaded and confused, I walked to the edge of town. For a while I even forgot I had lost my family's fortune. My mind had become empty, like a hornet's nest that has been stirred up. When I got outside of town I saw a small trail extending out toward me, and once again I was scared. I wondered what I should do next. I took a few steps down the trail, but my feet wouldn't move. In all directions there was not a soul in sight. I simply wanted to hang myself with my belt and be done with it. Lost in thought I dragged myself forward, but when I passed an elm tree it took only one look for me to realize that I had not the slightest inclination to take off my belt. I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to find a way to punish myself. I figured there was no way that damned debt would hang with me, so I said to myself, "Forget it, don't kill yourself."
This debt was to be paid by my dad. As soon as I thought of Dad, my heart went numb. This time he would probably beat me to death. As I walked I kept trying to think of a way out, but no matter what, everything seemed to lead to a dead end.
I had no choice but to head home. Being beaten to death by my dad was better than hanging from a tree like some stray dog.
       早上几年的时候，家珍还是一个女学生。那时候城里有夜校了，家珍穿着月白色的旗袍，提着一盏小煤油灯，和几个女伴去上学。我是在拐弯处看到她，她一扭一扭地走过来，高跟鞋敲在石板路上，滴滴答答像是在下雨，我眼睛都看得不会动了，家珍那时候长得可真漂亮，头发齐齐地挂到耳根，走去时旗袍在腰上一皱一皱，我当时就在心里想，我要她做我的女人。
　　家珍她们嘻嘻说着话走过去后，我问一个坐在地上的鞋匠：
　　“那是谁家的女儿？”
　　鞋匠说：“是陈记米行的千金。”
　　我回家后马上对我娘说：
　　“快去找个媒人，我要把城里米行陈老板的女儿娶过来。”
　　家珍那天晚上被拖走后，我就开始倒霉了，连着输了好几把，眼看着桌上小山坡一样堆起的钱，像洗脚水倒了出去。
　　龙二嘿嘿笑个不停，那张脸都快笑烂了。那次我一直赌到天亮，赌得我头晕眼花，胃里直往嘴上冒臭气。最后一把我压上了平生最大的赌注，用唾沫洗洗手，心想千秋功业全在此一掷了。我正要去抓骰子，龙二伸手挡了挡说：
　　“慢着。”
　　龙二向一个跑堂挥挥手说：
　　“给徐家少爷拿块热毛巾来。”那时候旁边看赌的人全回去睡觉了，只剩下我们几个赌的，另两个人是龙二带来的。我是后来才知道龙二买通了那个跑堂，那跑堂将热毛巾递给我，我拿着擦脸时，龙二偷偷换了一付骰子，换上来的那付骰子龙二做了手脚。我一点都没察觉，擦完脸我把毛巾往盘子里一扔，拿起骰子拼命摇了三下，掷出去一看，还好，点数还挺大的。
　　轮到龙二时，龙二将那颗骰子放在七点上，这小子伸出手掌使劲一拍，喊了一**
　　“七点。”
　　那颗骰子里面挖空了灌了水银，龙二这么一拍，水银往下沉，抓起一掷，一头重了滚几下就会停在七点上。
　　我一看那颗骰子果然是七点，脑袋嗡的一下，这次输惨了。继而一想反正可以赊帐，日后总有机会赢回来，便宽了宽心，站起来对龙二说：
　　“先记上吧。”
　　龙二摆摆手让我坐下，他说：
　　“不能再让你赊帐了，你把你家一百多亩地全输光了。再赊帐，你拿什么来还？”
　　我听后一个呵欠没打完猛地收回，连声说：
　　“不会，不会。”
　　龙二和另两个债主就拿出帐簿，一五一十给我算起来，龙二拍拍我凑过去的脑袋，对我说：
　　“少爷，看清楚了吗？这可都是你签字画押的。”
　　我才知道半年前就欠上他们了，半年下来我把祖辈留下的家产全输光了。算到一半，我对龙二说：
　　“别算了。”
　　我重新站起来，像只瘟鸡似的走出了青楼，那时候天完全亮了，我就站在街上，都不知道该往哪里走。有一个提着一篮豆腐的熟人看到我后响亮地喊了一声：
　　“早啊，徐家少爷。”
　　他的喊声吓了我一跳，我呆呆地看着他。他笑眯眯地说：
　　“瞧你这样子，都成药渣了。”
　　他还以为我是被那些女人给折腾的，他不知道我破产了，我和一个雇工一样穷了。我苦笑着看他走远，心想还是别在这里站着，就走动起来。
　　我走到丈人米行那边时，两个伙计正在卸门板，他们看到我后嘻嘻笑了一下，以为我又会过去向我丈人大声请安，我哪还有这个胆量？我把脑袋缩了缩，贴着另一端的房屋赶紧走了过去。我听到老丈人在里面咳嗽，接着呸的一声一口痰吐在了地上。
　　我就这样迷迷糊糊地走到了城外，有一阵子我竟忘了自己输光家产这事，脑袋里空空荡荡，像是被捅过的马蜂窝。到了城外，看到那条斜着伸过去的小路，我又害怕了，我想接下去该怎么办呢？我在那条路上走了几步，走不动了，看看四周都看不到人影，我想拿根裤带吊死算啦。这么想着我又走动起来，走过了一棵榆树，我只是看一眼，根本就没打算去解裤带。其实我不想死，只是找个法子与自己赌气。我想着那一屁股债又不会和我一起吊死，就对自己说：
　　“算啦，别死啦。”
　　这债是要我爹去还了，一想到爹，我心里一阵发麻，这下他还不把我给揍死？我边走边想，怎么想都是死路一条了，还是回家去吧。被我爹揍死，总比在外面像野狗一样吊死强。