TO LIVE, Chapter I (4)

america

TO LIVE Chapter I (4)
When I got older I started to build up a taste for going into town. Sometimes I wouldn't come home for ten or fifteen days. I wore a white silk shirt, and my hair was smooth and shiny.
Standing in front of the mirror and seeing my head of black, flowing hair, I knew that I looked like a rich man.
I loved to go up to the whorehouse to listen to those loose women moaning and groaning all night long. Listening to those sounds was just like scratching a good itch. Once the day comes that a man starts to go whoring, gambling can't be too far behind. Whoring and gambling are just like a pair of arms or legs: inseparable. Later I began to like gambling even more—whoring was just to loosen up a bit. Whoring is like drinking a lot of water and needing to relieve oneself, or, said bluntly, it's like taking a piss. But gambling is completely different. Gambling made me both happy and tense. And it was especially that sense of tension that brought me an almost indescribable feeling of comfort. I was like a monk caught up in his daily routine of ringing the bell, completely listless. Every morning I'd wake up with my only worry being how I should spend the day. My father would sigh in despair, reprimanding me for failing to bring honor to our ancestors. I would think that bringing honor to our ancestors wasn't my job alone. I would say to myself, why should I give up my days of fun to worry about boring stuff like honoring the ancestors? Moreover, when my dad was young he'd been just like me. Our family used to have over two hundred mu of land, but once my father got his hands on it he managed to lose over half. I said to my father, "Don't worry, my son will honor the ancestors."
We should leave something good for the next generation anyway. My mom laughed when she heard this, and later she secretly told me that Dad had once said the same thing to my grandfather. I thought, you see, he forces what he doesn't want to do onto me. Why should I listen to him? At the time, my daughter, Fengxia, was just four years old, and Jiazhen was pregnant with our son, Youqing. Because she was six months pregnant, Jiazhen was naturally no treat for the eyes.
When she walked it looked like she had a pair of steamed buns stuffed down her pants. Her legs didn't go forward when she walked, but side to side. I remember being so annoyed by her appearance that I even said to her, "Look at you. As soon as the wind blows your stomach doubles in size."
Jiazhen would never contradict me. But after hearing me insult her, she couldn't have been very happy and quietly retorted, "The wind didn't blow that hard."
Actually, after I started gambling I really did want to honor my ancestors. I wanted to win back that one hundred mu of land my dad lost. When my dad asked me what I was doing playing around in the city, I said to him, "I don't play around anymore. I'm doing business."
He asked, "What kind of business?"
As soon as he heard he lost his temper. When he was young he had said the same thing to my grandfather. When he found out I was gambling he took off his cloth shoes to hit me. I dodged to the left and ducked to the right. I thought after he hit me a few times it would be over. I was surprised to find that my father, normally only active when coughing, became increasingly violent as he flailed me. I wasn't a fly that was going to remain still while he tried to swat me. I restrained his hand and shouted, "Dad, what the fuck is wrong with you? If it weren't for the fact that you're the one who brought me into this world, I'd beat the hell out of you!
Fucking relax!"
I held back his right hand, but Dad used his left hand to take off his right shoe. He was still bent on hitting me. I held on to his left hand so he couldn't get close enough to strike. He was so angry that he trembled for a long while before crying out, "Bastard!"
"Go to hell!" I told him.
I pushed him with both hands, and he fell down into the corner against the wall.
我长大以后喜欢往城里跑，常常是十天半月不回家。我穿着白色的丝绸衣衫，头发抹得光滑透亮，往镜子前一站，我看到自己满脑袋的黑油漆，一副有钱人的样子。
　　我爱往妓院钻，听那些风骚的女人整夜叽叽喳喳和哼哼哈哈，那些声音听上去像是在给我挠痒痒。做人呵，一旦嫖上以后，也就免不了要去赌。这个嫖和赌，就像是胳膊和肩膀连在一起，怎么都分不开。后来我更喜欢赌博了，嫖妓只是为了轻松一下，就跟水喝多了要去方便一下一样，说白了就是撒尿。赌博就完全不一样了，*沂怯滞纯煊纸粽牛乇鹗悄歉鼋*张，有一股叫我说不出来的舒坦。以前我是过一天和尚撞一天钟，整天有气无力，每天早晨醒来犯愁的就是这一天该怎么打发。我爹常常唉声叹气，训斥我没有光耀祖宗。
　　我心想光耀祖宗也不是非我莫属，我对自己说：“凭什么让我放着好端端的日子不过，去想光耀祖宗这些累人的事。再说我爹年轻时也和我一样，我家祖上有两百多亩地，到他手上一折腾就剩一百多亩了。我对爹说：
　　“你别犯愁啦，我儿子会光耀祖宗的。”
　　总该给下一辈留点好事吧。我娘听了这话吃吃笑，她偷偷告诉我：“我爹年轻时也这么对我爷爷说过。我心想就是嘛，他自己干不了的事硬要我来干，我怎么会答应。那时候我儿子有庆还没出来，我女儿凤霞刚好四岁。家珍怀着有庆有六个月了，自然有些难看，走路时裤裆里像是夹了个馒头似的一撇一撇，两只脚不往前往横里跨，我嫌弃她，对她说：
　　“你呀，风一吹肚子就要大上一圈。”
　　家珍从不顶撞我，听了这糟蹋她的话，她心里不乐意也只是轻轻说一句：
　　“又不是风吹大的。”
　　自从我赌博上以后，我倒还真想光耀祖宗了，想把我爹弄掉的一百多亩地挣回来。那些日子爹问我在城里鬼混些什么，我对他说：
　　“现在不鬼混啦，我在做生意。”
　　他问：“做什么生意？”
　　他一听就火了，他年轻时也这么回答过我爷爷。他知道我是在赌博，脱下布鞋就朝我打来，我左躲右藏，心想他打几下就该完了吧。可我这个平常只有咳嗽才有力气的爹，竟然越打越凶了。我又不是一只苍蝇，让他这么拍来拍去。我一把捏住他的手，说道：
　　“爹，你他娘的算了吧。老子看在你把我弄出来的份上让让你，你他娘的就算了吧。”
　　我捏住爹的右手，他又用左手脱下右脚的布鞋，还想打我。我又捏住他的左手，这样他就动弹不得了，他气得哆嗦了半晌，才喊出一声：
　　“孽子。”
　　我说：“去你娘的。”
　　双手一推，他就跌坐到墙角里去了。