TO LIVE, Chapter I (7)

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TO LIVE Chapter I (7)
After Mr. Shen left, Long Er quickly took his place as the top gambler in town. Long Er was different from Mr. Shen. While Mr. Shen would never lose, Long Er would lose when the stakes were low, but never when the stakes were high. I used to gamble with Long Er at the House of Qing. Sometimes I lost and sometimes I won, but because of this I never really felt like I was losing. Actually, when I won it was always small change, but when I lost it was a fortune. I was left in the dark, all the while thinking that I was just about to bring honor back to my ancestors.
Jiazhen came looking for me on what would be my last night of gambling. When she arrived it was almost dusk—Jiazhen told me that later; at the time I had no idea if it was night or day.
Jiazhen, who was seven or eight months pregnant with our son, Youqing, came to the House of Qing. When she found me she kneeled down before me in silence; at first I didn't even see her. I was doing exceptionally well that day. We were playing dice, and, eight or nine times out of ten, the numbers were coming up in my favor. Sitting across from me was Long Er. As soon as he saw the numbers he'd giggle, "Well my friend, it looks like I've lost again."
After Long Er beat Mr. Shen by pulling a fast one, no one in the House of Qing, including me, dared bet on cards with Long Er. Long Er and I would always play dice, but even at dice Long Er was an expert. He almost always won and rarely lost. But that day I had him in the palm of my hand—he kept losing to me. With narrow eyes and a cigarette dangling from his lips, he acted as if everything was all right. He would snicker whenever he lost, but as his thin arms pushed the money over to my side of the table, he couldn't have appeared more begrudging. I thought, Long Er, you should suffer at least once. People are all the same: When they're taking the money from someone else's pocket, their faces light up and it's all smiles, but as soon as it's their turn to lose they all cry like they're in mourning. I was ecstatic until I felt someone tugging on my clothes. I looked down and saw my wife. Seeing Jiazhen kneeling there made me mad. I thought, my son hasn't even been born yet, and here she is kneeling. This really was too much. I said to Jiazhen, "Get up! Get up! Stand the fuck up!"
Jiazhen really listened—she stood right up. I said, "What the hell did you come here for? Hurry up and go home."
When I finished with what I had to say, I just ignored her and watched Long Er raise the dice above his head, shaking them a few times as if he were praying to the Buddha. As soon as he threw them down, his face lost all color.
"Rubbing too many women's asses must bring bad luck," he said.
As soon as I realized I had won again, I said, "Long Er, you'd better go wash your hands."
Long Er laughed as he said, "After you wipe your mouth clean, we'll see."
Jiazhen tugged on my clothes. As soon as I looked I realized she was kneeling again. She quietly pleaded, "Come home with me."
Go home with a woman? If Jiazhen wasn't intentionally trying to make a fool out of me, I didn't know what she was doing.
All at once my temper flared. I looked at Long Er and the others— they were all laughing at me. I screamed at Jiazhen, "Take your ass home!"
But Jiazhen persisted. "You come with me."
I slapped her twice, and her head swayed back and forth like a toy rattle. After having been hit, she still kneeled there, saying, "I won't get up until you agree to come home with me."
It hurts to think about it now. When I was young I was a real asshole. A great woman like that, and I hit and kicked her. But no matter how hard I hit her, she just kneeled there and wouldn't get up. In the end I would grow tired of hitting her. Her hair was a mess, and tears were running down her face. I took a handful of the money I had just won and gave it to two of the guys who were standing there watching. I had them carry Jiazhen away. As they left I told them, "The farther the better!"
As Jiazhen was carried out, her hands firmly clasped her protruding belly, which held my son. She didn't scream or yell.
She was carried out to the main street, where the two men left her. Leaning against the wall to support herself, she struggled to get to her feet. By then it was completely dark out. She slowly made her way home. Years later, when I looked back on that incident, I asked Jiazhen whether she hated me back then. She shook her head, "No."
Wiping the tears from her face, my wife passed the entrance to her father's rice shop. She stood there a long time watching the silhouette of her father's face reflected on the wall by the kerosene lamp. She knew that he was checking the accounts.
After standing there for a while, lost in her tears, she left.
That night Jiazhen walked over ten li in the dark to get home. All alone, and more than seven months pregnant with Youqing, she walked that wet, bumpy road home, with dogs barking after her the whole way.
　　沈先生一走，龙二成了这里的赌博师傅。龙二和沈先生不一样，沈先生是只赢不输，龙二是赌注小常输，赌注大就没见他输过了。我在青楼常和龙二他们赌，有输*杏晕易*觉得自己没怎么输，其实我赢的都是小钱，输掉的倒是大钱，我还蒙在鼓里，以为自己马上就要光耀祖宗了。
　　我最后一次赌博时，家珍来了，那时候天都快黑了，这是家珍后来告诉我的，我当初根本不知道天是亮着还是要黑了。家珍挺了个大肚子找到青楼来了，我儿子有庆在他娘肚子里长到七、八月个月了。家珍找到了我，一声不吭地跪在我面前，起先我没看到她，那天我手气特别好，掷出的骰子十有八九是我要的点数，坐在对面的龙二一看点数嘿嘿一笑说：
　　“兄弟我又栽了。”
　　龙二摸牌把沈先生赢了之后，青楼里没人敢和他摸牌了，我也不敢，我和龙二赌都是用骰子，就是骰子龙二玩的也很地道，他常赢少输，可那天他栽到我手里了，接连地输给我。
　　他嘴里叼着烟卷，眼睛眯缝着像是什么事都没有，每次输了都还嘿嘿一笑，两条瘦胳膊把钱推过来时却是一百个不愿意。
　　我想龙二你也该惨一次了。人都是一样的，手伸进别人口袋里掏钱时那个眉开眼笑，轮到自己给钱了一个个都跟哭丧一样。我正高兴着，有人扯了扯我的衣服，低头一看是自己的女人。看到家珍跪着我就火了，心想我儿子还没出来就跪着了，这太不吉利。我就对家珍说：
　　“起来，起来，你他娘的给我起来。”
　　家珍还真听话，立刻站了起来。我说：
　　“你来干什么，还不快给我回去。”
　　说完我就不管她了，看着龙二将骰子捧在手心里跟拜佛似的摇了几下，他一掷出脸色就难看了，说道：
　　“摸过女人屁股就是手气不好。”
　　我一看自己又赢了，就说：
　　“龙二，你去洗洗手吧。”
　　龙二嘿嘿一笑，说道：
　　“你把嘴巴子抹干净了再说话。”
　　家珍又扯了扯我的衣服，我一看，她又跪到地上。家珍细声细气地说：
　　“你跟我回去。”
　　要我跟一个女人回去？家珍这不是存心出我的丑？我的怒气一下子上来了，我看看龙二他们，他们都笑着看我，我对家珍吼道：
　　“你给我滚回去。”
　　家珍还是说：“你跟我回去。”
　　我给了她两巴掌，家珍的脑袋像是拨郎鼓那样摇晃了几下。挨了我的打，她还是跪在那里，说：
　　“你不回去，我就不站起来。”
　　现在想起来叫我心疼啊，我年轻时真是个乌龟王八蛋。这么好的女人，我对她又打又踢。我怎么打她，她就是跪着不起来，打到最后连我自己都觉得没趣了，家珍头发披散眼泪汪汪地捂着脸。我就从赢来的钱里抓出一把，给了旁边站着的两个人，让他们把家珍拖出去，我对他们说：
　　“拖得越远越好。”
　　家珍被拖出去时，双手紧紧捂着凸起的肚子，那里面有我的儿子呵，家珍没喊没叫，被拖到了大街上，那两个人扔开她后，她就扶着墙壁站起来，那时候天完全黑了，她一个人慢慢往回走。后来我问她，她那时是不是恨死我了，她摇摇头说：
　　“没有。”
　　我的女人抹着眼泪走到她爹米行门口，站了很长时间，她看到她爹的脑袋被煤油灯的亮光印在墙上，她知道他是在清点帐目。她站在那里呜呜哭了一会，就走开了。
　　家珍那天晚上走了十多里夜路回到了我家。她一个孤身女人，又怀着七个多月的有庆，一路上到处都是狗吠，下过一场大雨的路又坑坑洼洼。