TO LIVE, Chapter II (2)

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TO LIVE Chapter II (2)
I didn't realize it, but during that short walk home I had lost a whole lot of weight and my eyes had grown dull and colorless.
When my mom saw me she screamed out in surprise. Staring at me in disbelief, she asked, "Are you Fugui?"
Looking at my mom, I forced a smile and nodded my head.
Shocked, she uttered something else, but I was no longer paying attention to her. I pushed the door open and went into my room. Jiazhen, in the middle of combing her hair, was also taken aback when she saw me. She gazed at me with her mouth gaping. As soon as I thought of how I had beaten her when she came to persuade me to go home the night before, I fell to the ground and, kneeling before her, muttered, "Jiazhen, I'm finished."
After speaking those words I began to cry out loud. Jiazhen rushed over to help me up, but being pregnant with Youqing, how could she support me? She called my mom over, and the two of them pulled me onto the bed. As I lay on the bed, bubbles of saliva dripped from my mouth. I looked like a corpse. They were scared to death and began patting me on the shoulder and rocking my head. I pushed them away and said, "I've lost everything we have."
My mother appeared dumbstruck; she stared at me with a look of intensity and asked, "What did you say?"
"I've lost everything," I repeated.
The look on my face convinced her. My mother sat down on the floor and, wiping her tears, said, "If the upper beam is not straight, the lower ones will go aslant."
Even then my mother still loved me. She didn't blame me, she blamed my father.
Jiazhen also cried. She patted me on the shoulder and tried to console me. "As long as you don't gamble anymore, everything will be all right."
I had nothing left. Even if I had wanted to gamble, I wouldn't have had any money to stake a bet. I heard Dad in the next room shooting off his foul mouth. He still didn't know that he was penniless—he was simply annoyed at being disturbed by the two women crying. As soon as she heard my father's voice, Mom stopped crying. She stood up and walked out, with Jiazhen following her. I knew that they were going into my father's room, and after a while I heard my dad begin screaming, "Bastard!"
It was just then that my daughter, Fengxia, pushed the door open and came in. She closed the door and in a shrill voice said, "Dad, hurry up and hide! Grandpa's going to beat you."
I just stared at her without moving a muscle. She then came over and tried pulling me away by the hand; when I wouldn't budge she began to cry. Seeing Fengxia cry was like having a knife pierce my heart. Even at such a young age, Fengxia was trying to protect her dad. Just looking at her made me feel like I deserved to be cut to pieces.
I heard my father angrily approaching, shouting, "You bastard! I'm going to dismember you, castrate you! I'm going to chop you into little pieces, you fucking bastard!"
Okay Dad, come on in and chop me to pieces, I thought to myself. But as soon as Dad approached the door he fell on the ground, knocking himself unconscious. I heard Mom and Jiazhen shouting as they picked him up and brought him to his bed. After a while I heard the woodwind-like sound of my father weeping.
Once my father took to his bed, he lay there for three days. The first day he cried like a sad bird, and after the sobbing stopped he began to sigh. All the sounds carried to my room.
I heard the echoes of his grieving voice, "Retribution, it's retribution."
On the third day, my father received guests. While the sound of his coughing filled the room, his voice was so low it could barely be heard. That night my mother came over to tell me that Dad wanted to see me. I got up from bed thinking, if this isn't the end, I don't know what is. I figured that after resting in bed for three days, Dad must have the strength to beat me half-dead, if not annihilate me. I told myself that no matter how bad he beat me, I wouldn't hit back. As I approached Dad's room I had no energy. My body grew weak, and it felt as if my legs didn't belong to me. After entering his room, I stood behind my mother, stealing a glance at Dad as he lay in bed. He opened his eyes and looked at me. His white beard moved as he said to my mom, "Leave us."
My mom walked past me to leave. As soon as she left I felt empty inside. At first I thought, he might leap right out of bed and attack me. But he just lay there not moving. The blanket covering his chest slid off the bed and onto the floor.
"Fugui . . ."
Dad patted the side of the bed, saying, "Sit down."
My heart raced as I sat down next to him. As he stroked my hand I realized that his was as cold as ice. It was a chill that went straight to my heart. In a low voice, he said, "Fugui, a gambling debt is still a debt. Since ancient times there's never been anything that says you shouldn't pay your debts. The hundred mu of land and the house—I'm giving them up.
Tomorrow they'll bring the copper cash. I'm too old to carry the load. You'll have to carry the money to repay the debt yourself."
Dad let out a long sigh as he finished. I was moved to tears. I knew he wasn't going to beat me, but the words he spoke were as painful as death itself. It was as if my head had been severed by a blunt knife yet failed to fall off. Dad patted my hand. "Go to bed."
　　就那么一会儿工夫，我瘦了整整一圈，眼都青了，自己还不知道，回到了家里，我娘一看到我就惊叫起来，她看着我的脸问：
　　“你是福贵吧？”
　　我看着娘的脸苦笑地点点头，我听到娘一惊一咋地说着什么，我不再看她，推门走到了自己屋里，正在梳头的家珍看到我也吃了一惊，她张嘴看着我。一想到她昨晚来劝我回家，我却对她又打又踢，我就扑嗵一声跪在她面前，对她说：
　　“家珍，我完蛋啦。”
　　说完我就呜呜地哭了起来，家珍慌忙来扶我，她怀着有庆哪能把我扶起来？她就叫我娘。两个女人一起把我抬到床上，我躺到床上就口吐白沫，一副要死的样子，可把她们吓坏了，又是捶肩又是摇我的脑袋，我伸手把她们推开，对她们说：
　　“我把家产输光啦。”
　　我娘听了这话先是一愣，她使劲看看我后说：
　　“你说什么？”
　　我说：“我把家产输光啦。”
　　我那副模样让她信了，我娘一屁股坐到了地上，抹着眼泪说：
　　“上梁不正下梁歪啊。”
　　我娘到那时还在心疼我，她没怪我，倒是去怪我爹。
　　家珍也哭了，她一边替我捶背一边说：
　　“只要你以后不赌就好了。”
　　我输了个精光，以后就是想赌也没本钱了。我听到爹在那边屋子里骂骂咧咧，他还不知道自己是穷光蛋了，他嫌两个女人的哭声吵他。听到我爹的声音，我娘就不哭了，她站起来走出去，家珍也跟了出去。我知道她们到我爹屋子里去了，不一会我就听到爹在那边喊叫起来：
　　“孽子。”
　　这时我女儿凤霞推门进来，又摇摇晃晃地把门关上。凤霞尖声细气地对我说：
　　“爹，你快躲起来，爷爷要来揍你了。”
　　我一动不动地看着她，凤霞就过来拉我的手，拉不动我她就哭了。看着凤霞哭，我心里就跟刀割一样。凤霞这么小的年纪就知道护着她爹，就是看着这孩子，我也该千刀万剐。
　　我听到爹气冲冲地走来了，他喊着：
　　“孽子，我要剐了你，阉了你，剁烂了你这乌龟王八蛋。”
　　我想爹你就进来吧，你就把我剁烂了吧。可我爹走到门口，身体一晃就摔到地上气昏过去了。我娘和家珍叫叫嚷嚷地把他扶起来，扶到他自己的床上。过了一会，我听到爹在那边像是吹唢呐般地哭上了。
　　我爹在床上一躺就是三天，第一天他呜呜地哭，后来他不哭了，开始叹息，一声声传到我这里，我听到他哀声说着：
　　“报应呵，这是报应。”
　　第三天，我爹在自己屋里接待客人，他响亮地咳嗽着，一旦说话时声音又低得*坏健*到了晚上的时候，我娘走过来对我说，爹叫我过去。我从床上起来，心想这下非完蛋不可，我爹在床上歇了三天，他有力气来宰我了，起码也把我揍个半死不活。我对自己说，任凭爹怎么揍我，我也不要还手。我向爹的房间走去时一点力气都没有，身体软绵绵，两条腿像是假的。我进了他的房间，站在我娘身后，偷偷看着他躺在床上的模样，他睁圆了眼睛看着我，白胡须一抖一抖，他对我娘说：
　　“你出去吧。”
　　我娘从我身旁走了出去，她一走我心里是一阵发虚，说不定他马上就会从床上蹦起来和我拼命。他躺着没有动，胸前的被子都滑出去挂在地上了。
　　“福贵呵。”
　　爹叫了我一声，他拍拍床沿说：
　　“你坐下。”
　　我心里咚咚跳着在他身旁坐下来，他摸到了我的手，他的手和冰一样，一直冷到我心里。爹轻声说：
　　“福贵啊，赌债也是债，自古以来没有不还债的道理。我把一百多亩地，还有这房子都低押出去了，明天他们就会送铜钱来。我老了，挑不动担子了，你就自己挑着钱去还债吧。”
　　爹说完后又长叹一声，听完他的话，我眼睛里酸溜溜的，我知道他不会和我拼命了，可他说的话就像是一把钝刀子在割我的脖子，脑袋掉不下来，倒是疼得死去活来。爹拍拍我的手说：
　　“你去睡吧。”