TO LIVE, Chapter II (5)

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TO LIVE Chapter II (5)
After Dad died my whole body felt utterly drained, as if I had contracted some disease. All day I sat on the floor of our thatched hut. All I could do was heave deep sighs and let the tears run down my face. Fengxia would often sit on the floor and keep me company. As she played with my hands she asked, "Did Grandpa fall down?"
When she saw me nod she continued, "Was it the wind that blew him over?"
My mom and Jiazhen didn't dare cry too loudly. They were afraid I wouldn't be able to take it and would end up the same way as my father. Sometimes I would clumsily bump into something, and the two of them would be taken aback. Only after they saw I didn't collapse on the ground like Dad would they ease up and ask, "Are you all right?"
Those days my mother would often say to me, "As long as you are happy, being poor is nothing to be ashamed of."
She was trying to comfort me. She still thought it was poverty that was causing my suffering, but actually, in my heart, all I was thinking about was my father. In one sense Dad died by my hand, and now my mom, Jiazhen and even Fengxia had to stay with me and suffer.
Ten days after my dad passed away, my father-in-law came.
He held his long gown with his right hand, and his face was ghostly pale as he made his way out to the country. Following him was a carriage covered with flowers and draped in red silk, with more than ten young men crowded around on either side beating bells and gongs. When the country folk noticed, they all rushed to look. They thought it was someone's wedding but couldn't figure out why they hadn't heard any such news. Then someone asked my father-in-law, "Whose family has met with such good fortune?"
Keeping a straight face, my father-in-law said loudly, " My family!"
At the time I was at my father's grave. I heard the ringing of the bells and the gongs and saw my father-in-law rushing furiously to our thatched hut. He turned around and motioned to the sedan bearers to place the carriage on the ground and to stop the ringing of the bells and gongs. I knew he wanted to take Jiazhen away. My heart raced and pounded, but I didn't know what to do.
Hearing the noise, my mom and Jiazhen went outside.
"Dad!" Jiazhen exclaimed.
Looking at Jiazhen, my father-in-law asked my mother, "And the animal?"
My mother kept a smiling face and asked, "Do you mean Fugui?"
"Who else?"
My father-in-law turned around and saw me. He took two steps toward me and shouted, "Beast! Come here!"
I stood there without moving—how could I dare move? My father-in-law waved his fist at me, shouting, "Come over here, you animal! Why don't you come over here and wish me ‘good morning'? Listen to me, you bastard. Do you remember what it was like when you married Jiazhen? Well that's what it is going to be like today when I take her away. Look, this is a wedding carriage, these are bells and gongs. I'm going to make today even more memorable than the day you married her!"
After shouting, my father-in-law turned around and said to Jiazhen, "Hurry up and go inside to get your things ready."
Jiazhen stood there without moving and called out, "Daddy."
My father-in-law stamped his foot in fury. "Hurry up!"
Seeing me standing in the distance, Jiazhen turned around and went inside. It was then that my mother's tears started up and she said to my father-in-law, "Please, allow Jiazhen to stay."
He looked at my mother and waved his hand, then he turned around and yelled to me, "Animal, from now on you'll have nothing to do with Jiazhen! The Chen family will never again have any dealings with you Xus!"
My mother bent over to plead with him. "I beg of you, for the sake of Fugui's father, let Jiazhen stay."
My father-in-law rushed at my mother, barking, "He even drove his own father to the grave!"
After shouting, even my father-in-law himself thought he was a bit out of line. Softening his voice a bit, he said, "Don't blame me for being cruel. It's all because of that animal's wild behavior that things have gotten to this stage."
After he finished, he turned toward me again and yelled, "I'm leaving Fengxia for your family. The child in Jiazhen's stomach will belong to the Chen family!"
My mother stood to one side crying. Wiping away her tears, she said, "How am I supposed to make this up to the Xu family ancestors?"
Carrying a bag, Jiazhen emerged from the hut.
"Get in the carriage," my father-in-law ordered.
Jiazhen turned her head to look at me. When she got to the carriage she turned around to look at me once more, and then to look at my mother before getting into the sedan. It was then that Fengxia came running from out of nowhere. As soon as she saw her mother in the wedding carriage, she wanted to go along. She was halfway in when Jiazhen's hand pushed her out.
My father-in-law waved his hand to the sedan-chair carriers, and the carriage was lifted up. Inside, Jiazhen began to wail with grief.
"Sound the drums!" my father-in-law ordered.
More than ten young men began beating and banging on drums and gongs with all their might, drowning out the sound of Jiazhen's crying. As the carriage took to the road, my father-in-law, holding his long gown, walked just as quickly as the carriage bearers. My mom with her twisted little bound feet followed pathetically behind; only when she reached the edge of the village did she stop.
And then Fengxia ran over to me. Opening her eyes wide she said, "Dad, Mom went away in a sedan chair."
Seeing how excited Fengxia was, I could barely take it. I said to her, "Fengxia, come here."
Fengxia walked over beside me. Caressing her face I said, "Fengxia, don't you ever forget I'm your daddy."
Upon hearing this, Fengxia was all smiles and replied, "And don't you forget I'm Fengxia."
　　我爹死后，我像是染上了瘟疫一样浑身无力，整日坐在茅屋前的地上，一会儿眼泪汪汪，一会儿唉声叹气。凤霞时常陪我坐在一起，她玩着我的手问我：
　　“爷爷掉下来了。”
　　看到我点点头，她又问：
　　“是风吹的吗？”
　　我娘和家珍都不敢怎么大声哭，她们怕我想不开，也跟着爹一起去了。有时我不小心碰着什么，她们两人就会吓一跳，看到我没像爹那样摔倒在地，她们才放心地问我：
　　“没事吧。”
　　那几天我娘常对我说：
　　“人只要活得高兴，穷也不怕。”
　　她是在宽慰我，她还以为我是被穷折腾成这样的，其实我心里想着的是我死去的爹。我爹死在我手里了，我娘我家珍，还有凤霞却要跟着我受活罪。
　　我爹死后十天，我丈人来了，他右手提着长衫脸色铁青地走进了村里，后面是一抬披红戴绿的花轿，十来个年轻人敲锣打鼓拥在两旁。村里人见了都挤上去看，以为是谁家娶亲嫁女，都说怎么先前没听说过，有一个人问我丈人：
　　“是谁家的喜事？”
　　我丈人板着脸大声说：
　　“我家的喜事。”
　　那时我正在我爹坟前，我听到锣鼓声抬起头来，看到我丈人气冲冲地走到我家茅屋前，他朝后面摆摆手，花轿放在了地上，锣鼓息了。当时我就知道他是要接家珍回去，我心里咚咚乱跳，不知道该怎么办？
　　我娘和家珍听到响声从屋里出来，家珍叫了声：
　　“爹。”
　　我丈人看看她女儿，对我娘说：
　　“那畜生呢？”
　　我娘陪着笑脸说：
　　“你是说福贵吧？”
　　“还会是谁。”
　　我丈人的脸转了过来，看到了我，他向我走了两步，对我喊：
　　“畜生，你过来。”
　　我站着没有动，我哪敢过去。我丈人挥着手向我喊：
　　“你过来，你这畜生，怎么不来向我请安了？畜生你听着，当初是怎么娶走家珍的，我今日也怎么接她回去。你看看，这是花轿，这是锣鼓，比你当初娶亲时只多不少。”
　　喊完以后，我丈人回头对家珍说：
　　“你快进屋去收拾一下。”
　　家珍站着没动，叫了一声：
　　“爹。”
　　我丈人使劲跺了下脚说：
　　“还不快去。”
　　家珍看看站在远处地里的我，转身进屋了。我娘这时眼泪汪汪地对他说：
　　“行行好，让家珍留下吧。”
　　我丈人朝我娘摆摆手，又转过身来对我喊：
　　“畜生，从今以后家珍和你一刀两断，我们陈家和你们徐家永不往来。”
　　我娘的身体弯下去求他：
　　“求你看在福贵他爹的份上，让家珍留下吧。”
　　我丈人冲着我娘喊：
　　“他爹都让他气死啦。”
　　喊完我丈人自己也觉得有些过分，便缓一下口气说：
　　“你也别怪我心狠，都是那畜生胡来才会有今天。”
　　说完丈人又转向我，喊道：
　　“凤霞就留给你们徐家，家珍肚里的孩子就是我们陈家的人啦。”
　　我娘站在一旁呜呜地哭，她抹着眼泪说：
　　“这让我怎么去向徐家祖宗交待。”
　　家珍提了个包裹走了出来，我丈人对她说：
　　“上轿。”
　　家珍扭头看看我，走到轿子旁又回头看了看我，再看看我娘，钻进了轿子。这时凤霞不知从哪里跑了出来，一看到她娘坐上轿子了，她也想坐进去，她半个身体才进轿子，就被家珍的手推了出来。
　　我丈人向轿夫挥了挥手，轿子被抬了起来，家珍在里面大声哭起来，我丈人喊道：“给我往响里敲。”
　　十来个年轻人拼命地敲响了锣鼓，我就听不到家珍的哭声了。轿子上了路，我丈人手提长衫和轿子走得一样快。我娘扭着小脚，可怜巴巴地跟在后面，一直跟到村口才站住。
　　这时凤霞跑了过来，她睁大眼睛对我说：
　　“爹，娘坐上轿子啦。”
　　凤霞高兴的样子叫我看了难受，我对她说：
　　“凤霞，你过来。”
　　凤霞走到我身边，我摸着她的脸说：
　　“凤霞，你可不要忘记我是你爹。”
　　凤霞听了这话格格笑起来，她说：
　　“你也不要忘记我是凤霞。”